tectonic movement

as of my last post, i've had quite a few changes take place. am finally settling into the new apartment, which i'm pretty thrilled with (as of right now). actually had the "this rug really pulls the room together" conversation with pete, and then had the requisite "did we actually just say that" moment. having my first real place, where i pay for it and have my name on the lease and things, makes me have little reflective bursts all the time, like "gee i guess this is what it's like to be a real person." they come now and i'm almost ashamed of them because i know that the rest of the world has been aware of these kinds of responsibilities this whole time and i'm just arriving onto the scene. it's like the awareness after you get your driver's license or turn 21 that all that anticipation leads up to a whole new set of tasks, and that you'll probably be bitching about what you were just celebrating. but i will always be having those moments, i will always be realizing that i'm a new inductee to one legion or another - perhaps the graceful thing to do is to just let it be that moment of newness (or of whatever.)

aaaaaaaaaand. i got a Real Teaching Job. well, sort of. the things i need to do to get the job for real are 1) get a file number/get certified (still? still. fuck me.) and 2) quit ESL job. and it is ever so easy to whine about how difficult these things are going to be but the plain fact of the matter is that this is my in. this is what i am supposed to be doing. this is the time for me to triumph over the gorgon bureaucracy and get myself where i deserve to be. this is not that say that i'm not a little apprehensive about beginning this job. the school is 70% guys, is only 4 years old, and as the AP told me, not without its structural flaws. on the plus side, i'll be able to bike to work (it's in williamsburg) and will no longer need to go to manhattan as much. so. i'm trying to be pragmatic and action action action on this but let me unburden myself as i cannot elsewhere that i'm blown away by the amount of responsibility i'm about to take on. am i worthy? will i do a good job? of how much am i truly capable?

pato visited this weekend, too. it was a nice time - lovely dinner at hearth (i had the bass with calamari and chickpeas), brunch at roebling, indian food, not nearly as much adventuring as i had planned, but taking a nap and eating a good meal were top priorities on my list (lazy-ass that i am.) but nevertheless - some beautiful moments: walking the tree-lined streets of bushwick, smoking under our umbrellas with the storm overhead, the roses on my bureau reminding me of his visit. i fear he showed me a better time than i did him, but i think that might have a lot to do with my slow comprehension of how to let myself be treated. i think that this trip proved him to be a bulwark for me in this new time.

so now to bed for some much-needed rest. i have a lot to take care of in the next few days.