into and out of the wild

last night i watched sean penn's "into the wild," and, being the granolaface i am, was moved by it. (which is not to say that i didn't snigger at the shot of him burning his as he set off across the sweltering Arizona desert.) besides it coming right after what could have been a disastrous phonecall w/ dad (Me: Hi, dad. so you're going to move me in on sunday. Dad: Oh. I am?) but ended sanely, even sweetly (Dad: And we're going to get you moved even though it's a tremendous pain in the ass, because you are the most important thing and I love you. Me: [sort of sobbing]) which brought up all sorts of feelings about what it means to really and truly leave home, to become, as i vowed to myself last december under a sky pulsing with stars, "a child of the universe," it set some interesting thoughts into motion.

on the one hand, a complete return to nature is the easiest thing to do - at least from an existential standpoint. the most definite measure of a person, in my estimation, is who s/he is without the adulterating influences of other people, media & the incipient bullshit they entail. and without question, such a change would open the door to a new series of existential problems, but you'd be so busy trying to satisfy the most basic of needs that you wouldn't have to entertain them. (although, having never been in that situation, i can't really speak authoritatively.) taken in this light, it is more difficult to create a self-sufficient, or at least sustainable, lifestyle within the confines of society.

which is not to say that chris mccandless was "right" or "wrong" in doing what he did. i had the interesting experience of being able to see this film and read critical discussion (from the onion a.v. club, naturally) without the impulse to call him either a hero or an asshole - he was just doing what he felt he absolutely had to do. and, of course, i am not really speaking of chris mccandless as a person but rather of the character of mccandless as i saw it in the film.

what i really enjoyed most about the film, beyond the gorgeous shots of the sea, woods and sky, was being able to contextualize my own longing to live "the truth" that i think exists outside the social world we have built. i have entertained fantasies of living in the wild for many years and read books on it and fallen in love with people who i thought were capable of doing it, and i see now that it is (at least for me) a symbol for being able to live the truth of myself. but the truth of myself is who i am right now - perhaps it's a truth i don't fully recognize often enough, but more probably that the truth i want to see doesn't correspond to that which is really there.