here is my two-month anniversary blog entry. i know because it's been two months since i had to do grades... right now i'm rewarding myself for doing approximately fifteen minutes of work without stopping.

grades are stupid. if i ever knew how much grades were based on a teacher's objective opinion of me, i probably wouldn't have tried so damn hard in school and coasted more on my good looks and winning personality (i kid, i kid. sort of.) it's terrible but i definitely grade people on how much i like them, or conversely how pathetic they are. i'm trying to get worked up about the ethical implications of this and failing.

if you can't tell from the tone of this entry, estoy un poco enojada. it's a lot of things - grades being due, my simultaneous anxiety about leaving mexico and homesickness (i'm missing SPRING in new york, and of course a million other things), and the realization that what i thought existed between me and The Guy is not what i thought. such a big part of him still belongs to another person, and such a big part of her belongs to him... there's no way he can start something now, and he's known it from the beginning. it's really nothing personal - i accept that, but i've grown so addicted to the feeling of things starting between us that now that they've stopped (or perhaps stalled, because who can know the future?), i'm missing my fix. again, it's nothing personal. if i've learned anything from this trip, it's that about 95% of what happens to us human beings isn't personal, and exactly nothing can be gained from taking things as if they were.

that being said, not taking things personally is the emotional equivalent of choosing brown rice and steamed vegetables over a sundae - it's no goddamn fun, even taking into account the crash that will inevitably follow. oh passion passion passion. when i'm a "real" grown up, will i be more easily disposed to giving it up? will good ol' sane abstinence ever be as attractive to me as crazy and painful indulgence?

as usual, i'm way too far into my own head, but it feels good to get this shit off my chest.

on a totally unrelated note, because i've been procrastinating (having my laptop here has probably halved my productivity, by the way) i've been checking out a lot of new music and have fallen in love with feist's new album, "the reminder," and recommend it highly if you're interested.