fuck. this. shit.
fuck it.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
it gets warmer and better; banana pancakes
SPRING IS HERE. (sort of.) there is a daffodil that came up in the garden behind the apartment - yesterday it was standing tall and today the bloom has fallen off, killed by the freezing cold we had last night. but it came out, so that's progress - new york city is WAKING UP AGAIN and i realize again that this is my absolute favorite time here.
AND school is going better, too. i'm beginning to get the hang of getting them hooked on the books themselves and doing a lot of the things that i did when i was student teaching with sean desilva but forgot in the daily crush. (probably because i feel like i have to spend so much time just getting them to acknowledge that they're in a classroom. but i'm beginning to think the best way to do that is just to charge ahead and keep "heeling" them back to the material. and when i do a good job of hooking them from the beginning, it's easier to heel them and some of the behavioral problems kind of take care of themselves. it also helps that we're doing "the outsiders" and "night.") a sample lesson title: "A MORAL QUESTION: Would You Kill Baby Hitler?" wherein we talked about whether we would have killed infant Hitler if given the chance to go back in time, complete with a picture of Baby Hitler. most of the kids actually said that they wouldn't. i'm going to ask them again how they feel when we get to the end of the book, or maybe right after the part when they talk about throwing the babies into the incinerators.
other things are good, too. i had much more of a balance last week between doing school shit and doing my own shit - i'm getting in yoga and have been doing some good cooking and reading. i just read this cool book mom sent me called "the wild within" which is all about stalking the self & the need to be able to see things for what they are outside of our thoughts. it makes me come back to looking at what i really want to teach & the kinds of change i'd like to affect in my own life, i.e., being able to connect with the natural world on a regular basis and helping others connect with it as well. now i'm reading a book that sibylle gave me a long time ago called "nonviolent communication" which intersects with the book mom gave me because it's all about being able to phrase yourself in a way that acknowledges that our thoughts are just reactions. i'll be interested to see if i can make it work in my classroom.
i wanted to share this awesome banana pancake recipe i made this morning. it was kind of a triumph because i made it without eggs - pete's little bro mike, a vegan, is visiting - but it came out better than when i do it with eggs. it's easy as hell, too:
blend 2 bananas with 2 cups of soymilk and 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil. mix 3 cups of flour with some salt, a teaspoon of baking powder, a dash of cinnamon, a 1/2 cup of oatmeal and 1/4 cup of chopped walnuts. add the blended ingredients to the dry ingedients by mixing with as few strokes as possible. COOK 'EM & EAT' EM w/ maply syrup! (serves 3)
AND school is going better, too. i'm beginning to get the hang of getting them hooked on the books themselves and doing a lot of the things that i did when i was student teaching with sean desilva but forgot in the daily crush. (probably because i feel like i have to spend so much time just getting them to acknowledge that they're in a classroom. but i'm beginning to think the best way to do that is just to charge ahead and keep "heeling" them back to the material. and when i do a good job of hooking them from the beginning, it's easier to heel them and some of the behavioral problems kind of take care of themselves. it also helps that we're doing "the outsiders" and "night.") a sample lesson title: "A MORAL QUESTION: Would You Kill Baby Hitler?" wherein we talked about whether we would have killed infant Hitler if given the chance to go back in time, complete with a picture of Baby Hitler. most of the kids actually said that they wouldn't. i'm going to ask them again how they feel when we get to the end of the book, or maybe right after the part when they talk about throwing the babies into the incinerators.
other things are good, too. i had much more of a balance last week between doing school shit and doing my own shit - i'm getting in yoga and have been doing some good cooking and reading. i just read this cool book mom sent me called "the wild within" which is all about stalking the self & the need to be able to see things for what they are outside of our thoughts. it makes me come back to looking at what i really want to teach & the kinds of change i'd like to affect in my own life, i.e., being able to connect with the natural world on a regular basis and helping others connect with it as well. now i'm reading a book that sibylle gave me a long time ago called "nonviolent communication" which intersects with the book mom gave me because it's all about being able to phrase yourself in a way that acknowledges that our thoughts are just reactions. i'll be interested to see if i can make it work in my classroom.
i wanted to share this awesome banana pancake recipe i made this morning. it was kind of a triumph because i made it without eggs - pete's little bro mike, a vegan, is visiting - but it came out better than when i do it with eggs. it's easy as hell, too:
blend 2 bananas with 2 cups of soymilk and 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil. mix 3 cups of flour with some salt, a teaspoon of baking powder, a dash of cinnamon, a 1/2 cup of oatmeal and 1/4 cup of chopped walnuts. add the blended ingredients to the dry ingedients by mixing with as few strokes as possible. COOK 'EM & EAT' EM w/ maply syrup! (serves 3)
Monday, March 24, 2008
an essay is born
wow - just had a cool moment that i wanted to get down before i start asserting the full volume of my bitchery again:
i read a really strange introduction at the beginning of an essay i assigned to them, and totally couldn't piece it together (honestly, it is poetic how cumbersome this kid's syntax is - like you couldn't put words together like that if you wanted to) and then i read it to pete and he kind of parsed it out and suddenly, it totally made sense, and was actually a really thorough attempt at beginning the essay with an anecdote. and the rest of the essay, right down to the last sentence, was not quite right on, but i could tell that he had picked up on the elegance of the essay structure and had started to assert an idea he had truly considered. it was like AN ESSAY WAS BORN TODAY folks, like i actually saw some of this shit COMING TOGETHER.
and what i realized after that was that THAT was why i even started doing this job - because i fell in love with being able to lay my ideas out like a person might build a house.
i read a really strange introduction at the beginning of an essay i assigned to them, and totally couldn't piece it together (honestly, it is poetic how cumbersome this kid's syntax is - like you couldn't put words together like that if you wanted to) and then i read it to pete and he kind of parsed it out and suddenly, it totally made sense, and was actually a really thorough attempt at beginning the essay with an anecdote. and the rest of the essay, right down to the last sentence, was not quite right on, but i could tell that he had picked up on the elegance of the essay structure and had started to assert an idea he had truly considered. it was like AN ESSAY WAS BORN TODAY folks, like i actually saw some of this shit COMING TOGETHER.
and what i realized after that was that THAT was why i even started doing this job - because i fell in love with being able to lay my ideas out like a person might build a house.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
9 weeks left
crazy weekend - went to boston for rosie's 21st birthday. went up in the bus with good old jon ledoux & we listened to music through his headphones splitters just like we did back in high school - so good as always to be able to be with my best friend.
we got into boston and then got rosie & went to the harpoon brewery for a free tasting of amazingly delicious beer. then rosie and i went home, hung out at little, had some thai, and then ran the kegs over (it was sort of like getting to do the "21st birthday party- COLLEGE STYLE" that i never did for one reason or another). we went back and got ready at rosie's, and then drove over to the party, looking pretty much as hot as a pair of pagerey-greys have ever looked (rosie in this amazing, royal-blue-sequined mini-dress with black tights and those awesome grey booties she has - i had moments of not recognizing her and then realizing that the beautiful woman was actually my sister).
the party itself was fun, too. (i did a keg stand in rosie's honor - which was judged by jacob carter as "well-executed.") a good mix of people was represented, and i had some good conversations with some of rosie's friends who were there to celebrate her turning 21. a lot of them were surprised to find out that i was rosie's sister when we got to the part of the conversation about whom we knew at the party, and that was cool, too - to see how many people she impacts and then see myself as someone who's been able to witness her as a part of her life. she has got such a big goddamn heart, that rosie. she just loves and loves and loves.
the next morning, i succeeded in prying the birthday girl from her bed and we went with jon and colin first to colin's, where we ate some breakfast and danced to M.I.A., and then to the MFA. we spent a couple of hours looking around. then i got on the bus and came back to new york.
so now it's easter morning, and i'm all alone in my apartment. it's bright and shiny outside, and i had dreams about being a camp counselor again. in my dream, i was trying to show my smallest campers some chicks i had gotten for us to raise, but there was a scheduling problem and they never got to see them the way i had planned, but i didn't really mind and knew that i would be able to make things better the following week. i guess that bodes well, right?
what i did this week was come really close to giving up. i can't do that yet - i've still got 9 weeks, and god knows how much can change in 9 weeks - but it might be that i'm out of my league. and then there's a voice in me that says, 9 weeks! you've been doing it for more than twice that, and the fact that you'll even go back every day is a triumph in itself. all you gotta do, p-g, is just keep getting up everyday. and even if you have to tell yourself every moment that the things that you do are enough, that you are capable, and that this WON'T LAST FOREVER, this shit is well-nigh impossible, but you're doing it.
and what will get me through is applying to a score of schools all over the country. i might have to part with new york (and with the man who wants to stay in new york no matter what) but number one, i'm too young to put my roots down, and number two, there's just got to be something better out there. who knows? it might be right here - i'm applying to other schools here - but why torture myself? i fear that i'm on the road to killing the joy that i used to have for this job, a thing that i can't afford to lose.
we got into boston and then got rosie & went to the harpoon brewery for a free tasting of amazingly delicious beer. then rosie and i went home, hung out at little, had some thai, and then ran the kegs over (it was sort of like getting to do the "21st birthday party- COLLEGE STYLE" that i never did for one reason or another). we went back and got ready at rosie's, and then drove over to the party, looking pretty much as hot as a pair of pagerey-greys have ever looked (rosie in this amazing, royal-blue-sequined mini-dress with black tights and those awesome grey booties she has - i had moments of not recognizing her and then realizing that the beautiful woman was actually my sister).
the party itself was fun, too. (i did a keg stand in rosie's honor - which was judged by jacob carter as "well-executed.") a good mix of people was represented, and i had some good conversations with some of rosie's friends who were there to celebrate her turning 21. a lot of them were surprised to find out that i was rosie's sister when we got to the part of the conversation about whom we knew at the party, and that was cool, too - to see how many people she impacts and then see myself as someone who's been able to witness her as a part of her life. she has got such a big goddamn heart, that rosie. she just loves and loves and loves.
the next morning, i succeeded in prying the birthday girl from her bed and we went with jon and colin first to colin's, where we ate some breakfast and danced to M.I.A., and then to the MFA. we spent a couple of hours looking around. then i got on the bus and came back to new york.
so now it's easter morning, and i'm all alone in my apartment. it's bright and shiny outside, and i had dreams about being a camp counselor again. in my dream, i was trying to show my smallest campers some chicks i had gotten for us to raise, but there was a scheduling problem and they never got to see them the way i had planned, but i didn't really mind and knew that i would be able to make things better the following week. i guess that bodes well, right?
what i did this week was come really close to giving up. i can't do that yet - i've still got 9 weeks, and god knows how much can change in 9 weeks - but it might be that i'm out of my league. and then there's a voice in me that says, 9 weeks! you've been doing it for more than twice that, and the fact that you'll even go back every day is a triumph in itself. all you gotta do, p-g, is just keep getting up everyday. and even if you have to tell yourself every moment that the things that you do are enough, that you are capable, and that this WON'T LAST FOREVER, this shit is well-nigh impossible, but you're doing it.
and what will get me through is applying to a score of schools all over the country. i might have to part with new york (and with the man who wants to stay in new york no matter what) but number one, i'm too young to put my roots down, and number two, there's just got to be something better out there. who knows? it might be right here - i'm applying to other schools here - but why torture myself? i fear that i'm on the road to killing the joy that i used to have for this job, a thing that i can't afford to lose.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
days like these
oh now i remember. march. march in the northern climes is like trying to drag a sack of quarters up a steep hill on top of which exists a restaurant which serves the most exquisite food you've ever eaten. except that you're not sure exactly where the restaurant is, and you are beginning to doubt that it even exists.
teaching is getting more brutal now that the "honeymoon" is over. there has been a lot of coming home at 4, getting into bed, and only getting up after staring out the window at the dark with feelings of desperation. i can't say that i'm sure of what i'll do after this summer, but i can't say it might not be this job. and i hate to say it but i think that the only thing really keeping me in the game is that i don't want to be a part of that statistic of the 1 in three teachers who quits after their first year. well, that and my good days. there are good days.
(and also of course the man that is there in good days AND bad days, without whom i would be in godknowswhat kind of state.)
god, what am i doing wrong? it's not the question, though. the only way i'm going to get through this is to pay attention to what i'm doing right, because i'm the one that stands in front of them everyday.
teaching is getting more brutal now that the "honeymoon" is over. there has been a lot of coming home at 4, getting into bed, and only getting up after staring out the window at the dark with feelings of desperation. i can't say that i'm sure of what i'll do after this summer, but i can't say it might not be this job. and i hate to say it but i think that the only thing really keeping me in the game is that i don't want to be a part of that statistic of the 1 in three teachers who quits after their first year. well, that and my good days. there are good days.
(and also of course the man that is there in good days AND bad days, without whom i would be in godknowswhat kind of state.)
god, what am i doing wrong? it's not the question, though. the only way i'm going to get through this is to pay attention to what i'm doing right, because i'm the one that stands in front of them everyday.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
anniversary
last year on this day, i was boarding a plane to mexico. this year, i'm not.
god, i really hate my job. i don't hate my job, though. i don't. i can't, yet. but it is really not what i expected and i am having a hard time tonight. i guess i chose it for myself for that reason?
god, i really hate my job. i don't hate my job, though. i don't. i can't, yet. but it is really not what i expected and i am having a hard time tonight. i guess i chose it for myself for that reason?
Sunday, November 25, 2007
after the feast
coming back from the holiday, trying to get my mind back in track, and naturally, procrastinating - er, blogging.
quite the past four days. first thanksgiving, which was lovely and more low-key this year. and then friday - goodwill hunting w/ rosepag, wonderful nap and 5-year high school reunion. the reunion was a lot more friendly than i thought it would be and i was really glad i went (but perhaps even more glad to have pete to look to and say "wanna get out of here?" whenever i needed to.) i was only slightly blown away that we are all Groan Ups, and it was cool to come back into that milieu with five years of being ourselves. some people seem to have grown up out of that pressure and some seem to have settled or compressed inwards... i'll be optimistically subjective (for what else, really, can i be?) and count myself amongst the former. mostly. honestly, though, it was kind of a triumph to be around them and be at ease, to realize that the demons that i fought back then didn't get the best of me.
saturday was goodbyes and a little correcting, then visiting bill en route to the rosen-baiers. we had pizza & beer and jon told horrible, horrible jokes and i read to benny and told leo about zombies. dropped rosie off w/ her boyfriend in lee and then went to the dreamaway. drama as usual, but it was great to see the old crew (or the new-old crew, i guess.) i begin to wonder how much of the bullshit is essential and sort of the engine of the magic and how much is perhaps the premonitions of the ship going down. and then i stop entertaining those thoughts and am just thankful that such a place exists. it's that kind of alternative reality, even if it's only one weird little restaurant, that makes me wonder if i'll always be coming back to the berkshires - if i'll end up there eventually.
and now here i am, preparing for what is actually my FIFTH week of teaching. it feels like yesterday that i started and at the same time feels like i've been there for a million years. and even though it's the hardest thing i've ever done, and won't stop being difficult ever, really, i found myself telling a lot of my old classmates that i love my life. and i do - seeing all of the options that have become people's lives for the past five years, and seeing mine, it becomes clear that dreams do come true (and then usually grow to astonish us with how mundane they are.) i mean, here i am, planning how to teach a bunch of brooklyn kids about the stories coming from the navel, as it were, of the collective unconscious (persephone myth tomorrow). here i am, guided on every side by men and women and places that are as beautiful as they are crazy, and i get to be the conduit of that beauty and insanity. i guess we all do, though; it's just the amounts we receive and give away that vary.
quite the past four days. first thanksgiving, which was lovely and more low-key this year. and then friday - goodwill hunting w/ rosepag, wonderful nap and 5-year high school reunion. the reunion was a lot more friendly than i thought it would be and i was really glad i went (but perhaps even more glad to have pete to look to and say "wanna get out of here?" whenever i needed to.) i was only slightly blown away that we are all Groan Ups, and it was cool to come back into that milieu with five years of being ourselves. some people seem to have grown up out of that pressure and some seem to have settled or compressed inwards... i'll be optimistically subjective (for what else, really, can i be?) and count myself amongst the former. mostly. honestly, though, it was kind of a triumph to be around them and be at ease, to realize that the demons that i fought back then didn't get the best of me.
saturday was goodbyes and a little correcting, then visiting bill en route to the rosen-baiers. we had pizza & beer and jon told horrible, horrible jokes and i read to benny and told leo about zombies. dropped rosie off w/ her boyfriend in lee and then went to the dreamaway. drama as usual, but it was great to see the old crew (or the new-old crew, i guess.) i begin to wonder how much of the bullshit is essential and sort of the engine of the magic and how much is perhaps the premonitions of the ship going down. and then i stop entertaining those thoughts and am just thankful that such a place exists. it's that kind of alternative reality, even if it's only one weird little restaurant, that makes me wonder if i'll always be coming back to the berkshires - if i'll end up there eventually.
and now here i am, preparing for what is actually my FIFTH week of teaching. it feels like yesterday that i started and at the same time feels like i've been there for a million years. and even though it's the hardest thing i've ever done, and won't stop being difficult ever, really, i found myself telling a lot of my old classmates that i love my life. and i do - seeing all of the options that have become people's lives for the past five years, and seeing mine, it becomes clear that dreams do come true (and then usually grow to astonish us with how mundane they are.) i mean, here i am, planning how to teach a bunch of brooklyn kids about the stories coming from the navel, as it were, of the collective unconscious (persephone myth tomorrow). here i am, guided on every side by men and women and places that are as beautiful as they are crazy, and i get to be the conduit of that beauty and insanity. i guess we all do, though; it's just the amounts we receive and give away that vary.
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